What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 05:22
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Is the 4B movement's aggressiveness against men for seeing women as mantelpieces valid?
Im still living with it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
What did i know ?
Why am I sweating so much when I try to do anything?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I will be 64.
I don,t even have a pension.
Why do some men love sucking cocks?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She married twice! .
I never cut or harmed myself..
How do great movie moments influence how people handle real-life moral dilemmas?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So whats the point in blame.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why did i forgive my father ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Who is someone that inspires you?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She wouldn,t have been !
Do very hot men ever feel attracted to an ugly woman? Why?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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I was scared of men, in general
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My life is so biszare .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She found it foreign!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot live in the past .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
All the time i was locked up.
So, i spoilt her more .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We were not on the streets..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She loved him until the end.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She was in good health!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ive learnt so much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It was going to be , some day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Would this be the day?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And i lived it daily.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Put me off passion for life!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is soul school!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I think the readers, may guess!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Who then, do I blame.?
He knew the spot.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was very sick at this time too.
But ive been too sick for many years..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it wasn’t much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Comes on , in middle age.
My family never makes their pension either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was seconnd youngest,
When she asked me how she looked .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But, we were locked up after school.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I write beautiful poetry .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was 9 years of age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I said to her
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I have no regrets .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I couldn’t, believe it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I waited trembling.