What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:09
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I don,t even have a pension.
My family never makes their pension either.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
All the time i was locked up.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I said to her
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why do flat Earthers exist? Why can’t I see the Sun at night? Is it because Earth is not flat?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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I was scared of men, in general
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But it wasn’t much.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot live in the past .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My life is so biszare .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But, we were locked up after school.
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was very sick at this time too.
I waited trembling.
It was going to be , some day.
I was 9 years of age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is soul school!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why did i forgive my father ?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
What did i know ?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were not on the streets..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I write beautiful poetry .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Would this be the day?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was in good health!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She found it foreign!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And i lived it daily.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I have no regrets .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was seconnd youngest,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She wouldn,t have been !
But ive been too sick for many years..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im still living with it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So, i spoilt her more .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Ive learnt so much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I think the readers, may guess!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I will be 64.
Put me off passion for life!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Comes on , in middle age.
So whats the point in blame.
She loved him until the end.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Who then, do I blame.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
(And it was in our own minds.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!